That was a good drum break

This doesn’t belong here

I signed into MSN tonight for the first time in over a year. My first impulse when things go wrong is to go back to the beginning and try to trace everything back to now. 

It’s a ghost town now. One person was away, and everyone else was offline. Their screen names are inside jokes from years ago, references to people and places they no longer care about. Old nicknames. 

I waited. I tried to make it feel like the waiting of two years ago. It didn’t work because I couldn’t trick myself into believing that the person I was waiting for would sign in. I signed back out. 

All I’ve been able to think about today is how to fix things. I only have four days until I go away for a week. I’ve been waiting to take off since the first day of September. I keep trying to convince myself that I still want to. But for once, I don’t want to leave. The whole time I’ll be thinking of everything I’ve left behind. 

Two years ago at Christmas, we were watching old episodes of Grey’s Anatomy. I can’t remember which episode it was that set me off. All I remember is at the end, Christina let herself be held by Burke on a hospital bed while she sobbed. The tenderness of it made me lock myself in the bathroom and cry as quietly as I could. 

Watching Christina breaks my heart sometimes, because I am so much like her. I haven’t seen the last three seasons. 

I can’t study tonight. Instead, I’m listening to “I Am Trying To Break Your Heart”, and a playlist full of songs that are splintering mine. I fucked this semester up in almost the same way that I fucked up my first semester at this school, and for almost the exact same reasons. My biggest problem is that I need too much. I need more than is reasonable to expect from anyone. 

Things are going to be okay. When I can get my thoughts straight, I know that. I just won’t be alright again until I can feel it in my bones instead of just in my head. 

I need to sleep.